


Lucid Dreaming

by soul_writerr



Series: Sleeping [6]
Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Hopeful Ending, Lucid Dreaming, M/M, Mental Anguish, Nightmares, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-11 01:36:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18420128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soul_writerr/pseuds/soul_writerr
Summary: “I’m sorry, Sonny. I never meant to hurt you.”“You didn’t,” he shook his head. “You didn’t hurt me, but I can see that you’re hurting yourself. Why? Why do you think you deserve this?”





	Lucid Dreaming

**Author's Note:**

> You know me, I'm not one to write pure angst, but I was listening to Taylor Swift's Sad, Beautiful, Tragic and I was inspired by the lyrics: "In dreams, I meet you in warm conversation. We both wake in lonely beds, different cities". 
> 
> And yes, I cried writing this because I'm a weak bitch. Enjoy!

When Sonny walked into his office and closed the door behind him, Rafael was very surprised. They had been avoiding being in the same room alone for the last two weeks. It was torture, having to hold back, being unable to tell Sonny how much he longed for him, for what they had. For what Rafael turned his back on. 

“Hey, Raf,” Sonny greeted softly, sitting across from him. He leaned forward, his elbows on his knees as he studied Rafael. “How have you been?”

Rafael cleared his throat, suddenly feeling a little parched. “Been better.”

Sonny nodded and looked down at his own lap. “Yeah, I can relate there,” he sighed, then looked up again. “You know Bella’s pregnant, right?”

“Yes,” he smiled softly. He wished he’d been there to see Sonny receive the news. He wished he’d seen his huge smile, his eyes misty. “I called to give her my best. She seems happy.”

“She is,” he beamed, looking at Rafael with fondness in his eyes. “Her and Tommy are doing really well, the baby will fit right in.”

“I take it you’re excited to be an uncle again,” Rafael leaned back into his chair, getting comfortable. 

“So much,” Sonny chuckled. “Mia just got into college, so the timing is perfect!”

“Are you hoping for another girl or the first boy after you?” 

“You know the morally correct answer is I don’t care as long as they’re healthy,” he shrugged.

Rafael smiled. “But?” 

Sonny laughed, and the sound went straight into Rafael’s heart. He missed that sound so much. In the early morning, when they were being lazy in bed together, Sonny’s lips brushing against his, his eyes crinkling around the edges. He was so beautiful in the morning, Rafael’s heart ached to have him back.

“But I hope it’s a girl,” he winked, then made a sign zipping his mouth. 

Rafael couldn’t help but smile. Sonny was so young, so optimistic, so kind. Some days Rafael couldn’t believe they had ever been together, even though he kept those months close to his heart. They were the best months he’d had in the last few years. 

Rafael loved the way Sonny did things in life; the way he threw himself completely into it and dedicated all his time and energy to people around him. Rafael was so honored to have ever experienced that. 

But sitting here across from him, keeping mild conversations but wanting to crawl into his lap and never leave, it hurt like hell. 

“Rafael, why did you leave?,” Sonny suddenly asked, and Rafael looked down to see he was now holding a half-empty glass of Scotch. He took a long sip, letting the liquid burn on its way down. 

He looked up at Sonny, his expression pained and his heart pounding. “I’m sorry, Sonny. I never meant to hurt you.”

“You didn’t,” he shook his head. “You didn’t hurt me, but I can see that you’re hurting yourself. Why? Why do you think you deserve this?”

Rafael felt like crying. His eyes were stinging, and his breath was coming up short, but he tried to hold it back. However, the tears fell, hot and heavy, as soon as he blinked. 

“You’re so loved,” Sonny whispered, and now they were laying in his bed together, Sonny’s arms around him, centering him. He always felt so warm. “So much, Rafael. Will you let me? Will you let me love you?”

He wanted to say yes, but his tongue felt like it was glued to the inside of his mouth. 

“Please,” he begged, hugging him closer, their cheeks pressed together. “Rafael, let me love you. I promise I can be so good for you if you’d just allow yourself, please. This is all I want. You’re all I want, but you keep pushing me away.” 

Rafael felt like he was choking, tears falling freely, his hands on Sonny’s chest, feeling his heartbeat pounding under his fingertips. All he had to do was say yes and let Sonny take care of him, but his throat was closed, his tongue kept getting bigger in his mouth and everything was blurry.

The last thing he heard was Sonny’s anguished “Please, Rafael”, then his alarm clock pulled him back into reality.

“Christ,” Rafael groaned, his voice hoarse. He blinked rapidly and realized his eyelashes were wet, and tears were running down his cheeks. 

Lifting a hand, he found tear streaks that went down his face and his neck. His heart still ached, though, and he had no clue how to stop it from thumping so painfully. 

He sat up, running the back of his hands across his eyes and sniffling loudly. The sun was pouring through the windows, lighting up his lonely room and warming up his empty bed.  
Checking his clock, he sighed. Another day of the same old routine. 

As always, he checked his phone for any e-mails from Carmen, but stopped short when he saw text notifications from Sonny. He blinked for a moment, making sure he was actually not still asleep, and opened it. 

04:08AM [Sonny Carisi]: I miss you  
04:08AM [Sonny Carisi]: So much  
04:32AM [Sonny Carisi]: I really want to see you  
04:40AM [Sonny Carisi]: Can we talk?

With his heart pounding, Rafael said yes, and invited Sonny for a lunch date.

**Author's Note:**

> There's only one more Sleeping drabble to go up (it will this week) and then we'll move on to the multi-chapter fic I've finished. 
> 
> Don't forget to leave kudos and comments, even though this was a bit sad, pleeeease


End file.
